How do you prioritize your needs when you're caring for everyone else?
Caregiving is one role where the work is never really done. You'll always have more to do, more love to give, and more items to tick off your list. There is no such thing as being "finished" with parenting. Perhaps because of this, it's hard to find the time to take care of your needs without the feelings associated with leaving things undone.
Bad blueprints & unrealistic expectations
We have better blueprints for how to kill it at work, create amazing-looking homes, lead our communities, create lasting friendships, or even use AI than we do on how to prioritize yourself as a parent.
But in all that accomplishment, I am often at a loss to find women who prioritize their physical, mental, and emotional health without an apology, caveat, or explanation of why they need to do that, too.
I see women sneaking off to care for their needs in the few moments the world isn’t asking them to do something. They are trying to cobble together their health plans out of the scraps left after everyone else’s needs have been met instead of prioritizing what they need daily and simply making that part of the day’s agenda.
It’s not a blueprint I wish to follow or draw for those around me. I want to put myself at the top of the list unapologetically.
So why does that feel so hard?
Instead of letting life unfold as it is, many of us push harder and pour more energy into the things that aren’t quite working out instead of polishing what is working well and keeping our health at the top of the list.
I’ve realized that my daily choices—what I eat, my workouts, my level of commitment to work, and what I put into my relationships—are all I can control.
That’s it.
Everything else is out of my hands. If I can even get those things in order, I hope to gain the grace to deal with the unknowable.
Operating on 5% shouldn't be the norm
One of the things that I’ve used as an excuse until lately was that parenting was so exhausting and felt so all-encompassing that I couldn’t see how I could devote time to myself after giving everything to the kids. But that's when you need to reassess what you are giving to others vs yourself.
Our nighttime routines were full of requests just as I was on my last ounce of energy.
I thought to myself, "But how can this be? Haven’t I done enough? What more can you two want? I’ve done all the things!"
Even after pick-up and drop-off, scheduling the activities and playtime, reading, feeding, washing, and tucking everyone in, they still wanted more. I gave many hugs and kisses and actively listened to all the stories. I’ve gentle-parented to an inch of my life.
And still, the moment I sit down, I hear:
“Mom? Mom! Mom, I need you…Mom!”
But they weren’t done with me. They still wanted a sense of closeness or a private ear to listen to one of their worries that had just come to mind. In those moments, they want one more hug, 60 seconds of sitting together alone, or checking a closet for monsters.
But the fact is, we don’t get to decide what others want, only what we want/can give. As weird as it was more me, I had to create boundaries with my mothering and let my family know this is what I can give or need to have for my own sanity/health.
I had been pretty good at this in an office setting, but when it comes to work of parenting, it feels like there is no escape or days off. Even my children have looked down upon my two days off for a trip with friends. What kind of work is this?! Where's HR when you need them?
What if you have nothing left?
I’ve started to let them know that. First, I have to admit I have needs, am not perfect, and need downtime just like anyone,
Mom is exhausted. I want to spend time, too, but now isn't going to work. Can we carve out extra time together tomorrow?
It’s ok to be transparent about your limitations & boundaries. I think it's a must. You have to tell me what you can do and what is beyond your ability now. No one expects anyone to be everything.
Why are we training our kids to expect that their parents are any different?
People don’t need to be perfect. Parents can't be perfect. I've started to let them know my boundaries and that it’s ok to say no. Full stop.
Now that you've set a boundary. How do you recharge your mind?
Find what gives you energy.
Each person has a particular activity or non-activity that satisfies them and brings them joy, energy, or direction.
Some people need to create, some focus more on helping others, and others need to sit quietly and alone to regain their sense of calm.
When I asked people what it was like to move abroad and what we should watch out for, one of the main things that kept coming up was to ensure we brought what they loved to do with us.
For some, that’s an easy fix as they have very portable lives, hobbies, or careers that can exist in many places.
Others have a harder time locating new passions, like I did, as the things I thought I loved to do and my career was not easy to transition to a new country.
After years of climbing the corporate ladder, I finally understand that your title, job, or remit has little to do with what you love to do. They may be part of it, but they're not your identity.
Finding the aspects of your work or passion that you love can allow you to continue building a life that brings you joy. There is more than one way to be fulfilled.
Me? I love storytelling. I am a connector who wants to meet as many interesting people as possible to understand their lives. These aspects of my life haven’t changed regardless of my environment, but I had to find a new way to express what I love to do.
It's through this that I have rediscovered my source of energy, meaning, and the ability to recharge each day so I can be the best for everyone else.
Don't forget also to recharge your body
At the beginning of my expat journey, I was solely using physical activity to add something to my empty calendar. It’s hard going from a too-full calendar to an oasis of expected activity that leaves you wondering what the heck you are supposed to do all day.
That anchor of being needed or wanted somewhere can wear you down, but you also feel strange when it’s no longer there.
The flip side of busyness, for busyness’s sake, is just as dangerous, or maybe even harder to reconcile at the end of the day if you are filling your life with activities that don’t fill your sense of purpose.
So, I began to find activities that fed three of my most basic needs: getting healthy, learning, and building community.
I’ve started to put real effort into my own health goals. We are blessed/cursed with hot weather all year long, and there is so much focus on living healthy in this self-made blue zone that it’s hard not to catch on.
I can now say that I’m an active (but not great) tennis player, decent pickleball player, yogi, lover of outdoor walks, and bike rider. I try to pick a new activity daily to keep the physical and mental benefits varied.
I can feel the clarity that comes with it and almost a sense of calm when I’m done that doesn’t come naturally for me without the physical push.
The fact that I put this as the almost dead last position in my life before the pandemic makes me wish to correct this error. I see now how much more focused, passionate, and alive I could have been if I had given to myself first before giving to everyone else.
An aha moment that comes with the wisdom of living? Perhaps.
But if anyone reading this is unsure about the emotional impact of physical activity and devoting time to what gives you energy, please learn from my mistakes!
They are free for you.
I’ve already paid the admission price.
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